Fake Tom Anselmi Diary

[ensco]

Shit. Can’t a guy enjoy a day off? Here I am, finally about to sit down for dinner with Jay Triano to discuss my idea for his upcoming induction into the Raptors Wall of Honour (for some reason, he doesn’t seem keen on it, I can’t figure out why) and my blackberry lights up like a Times Square billboard.

TFC got clobbered again, and everyone wants to know what I’m doing about it. Peddie, the Mayor, about 7 news and TV guys. It’s Sunday goddamn night, people! It’s weird. For some reason, the Raptors and Leafs can lose, and everyone just rolls over like fat seals, except for a couple of annoying journalists. (They’re easily handled by getting someone from Teachers to occasionally slip in complaints to the offending paper’s publisher over drinks at the RCYC. Always works best right after bemoaning cuts to next years ad plan. They usually shift the offending putz onto roller derby for a few weeks after that.) But these TFC freaks are obsessed. What is wrong with them? I went and stood at the gate Thursday, and smiled like a trained monkey. More than I’ve ever done for the big teams!

Christ. I’m going to have to get our minions in the IT and marketing departments on their laptops pronto to start countering the shitstorm that must be brewing on those goddamn soccer supporters boards asap. Those boards are going to be the death of me. Can’t let this fester. Need to keep up the drumbeat that only bad supporters or morons would dare criticize the team.

Need to keep buying time. The Board is getting antsy about how much Peddie and I have paid guys not to coach or manage over the last few years. Suddenly one of the Directors wants to know the terms of Mo’s contract. Need to tap dance around this one.

Can’t let it get out that the wily Scotsman got extended because Peddie and I got sloshed at that party last summer after he sold that guy with the funny name for a few million. We couldn’t believe it. All we’ve ever done is overpay for players, and here’s a guy we can barely understand selling one for real hard cash. We’d have given Mo anything that night. (It was only later when the guys at AEG explained that this sale was 100% done by the league, the we started to wonder what we'd been sold by this crazed bugger.)

I should have cut Mo when he brought that absolute nutter Carver in. I let that whole episode slide because Mo saved us a few bucks at the end, but I should have dealt with him then. Now he’s practically barking, talking to no one, emerging from his office only after long conferences with the security guys about making sure there are no “Fire Mo” signs at the games.

Gonna have to tie the can to Mo without getting the Board upset about the cost. But how? Who here knows anything about soccer? This new guy Mo brought in, the dead ringer for Michael Corleone, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

I am screwed.

[Stryker]

Gonna have to tie the can to Mo without getting the Board upset about the cost. But how? Who here knows anything about soccer? This new guy Mo brought in, the dead ringer for Michael Corleone, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

I am screwed.

This. The only reason Mo still has a job.

[DOMIN8R]

Fantastic. Keep it up, Euge.

[Shakes McQueen]

This. The only reason Mo still has a job.

MLSE have an illustrious history of paying GM's and coaches to sit at home. My guess is Mo makes less than all of them.

- Scott

[Whoop]

That's gold Jerry, gold!



LMAO....

[Beach_Red]

ps. thought this was going to be the easiest of our teams to deal with - we sub-contracted it out to those agents, the league handles all the contracts, handed us our local hero from Houton, sold that guy with the funny name, all we have to do is sit back and rake in the profits. And that Scottish guy takes all the blame, everyone laughed at the press confrence when I said he was the one squirming.

Oh yeah, right, this is gonna work out fine for me, what was I thinking?

[Parkdale]

you had to pick on RCYC didn't you?

[Cashcleaner]

ps. thought this was going to be the easiest of our teams to deal with - we sub-contracted it out to those agents, the league handles all the contracts, handed us our local hero from Houston, sold that guy with the funny name, all we have to do is sit back and rake in the profits. And that Scottish guy takes all the blame, everyone laughed at the press confrence when I said he was the one squirming.

Oh yeah, right, this is gonna work out fine for me, what was I thinking?

THIS!

Time and time again I keep getting the impression that MLSE was investing in a sports side-project when it came to Toronto FC. Even four years into the swing of things I don't believe the club is getting a fraction of the attention I think it deserves from it's owners. I think they had figured they'd slapped together a team, have a stadium bought for them, and just let things carry on while they rake in the cash. Only now it seems are they starting to fully realize that the fans of the club are far more committed than they could ever imagine. And that doesn't just mean we'll sit back and enjoy ourselves regardless of the level of play we're watching, but will rather demand the very best from our players, staff, and management.

Poor MLSE. They thought this was gonna be some get-rich-quick scheme devoid of any real hassles.

[ecospice]

But some thoughts came to me overnight on how to fix the problem:

-raise the price of beer

What the hell?!?!?! DO NOT joke about raising the price of beer.

[Terrace Greg]

THAT......was quality! I luaghed my ass off, then shed a tear because it was probabaly fairly close to the mark, more or less.

You have a Hunter S. Thompson-esque style of Gonzo style writing to you and I like it! Very entertaining. Will you also please write what Mo's journal version was like las t night? You know, the one he wrote while in his office, in between pounding scotch and blow wondering how he got the good fortune of finding a job in an organization where there is no accountability so he can pretty much fall ass backwards into job security? Good thing he's not in the private sector....there they expect "results" (insert sarcasm). lol

Good work!

[menefreghista]

What the hell?!?!?! DO NOT joke about raising the price of beer.

They raise the price every year, including this one.

I'm not sure about the other sizes, but he large draft of Carlsberg has gone up $0.25 each season.

Oh yeah, right, this is gonna work out fine for me, what was I thinking?

Ya, is there any job in the world that's safer than MLSE executive? I will be shocked the day guys like Anselmi or Peddie finally fall on their swords.

Mo Johnston should have been fired after the 2008 Nutrilite debacle. We have been prolonging the misery ever since.

As for the incestuous way the organization is run, I'm scared to think about the future for this club.

[Whoop]

THIS!

Time and time again I keep getting the impression that MLSE was investing in a sports side-project when it came to Toronto FC. Even four years into the swing of things I don't believe the club is getting a fraction of the attention I think it deserves from it's owners. I think they had figured they'd slapped together a team, have a stadium bought for them, and just let things carry on while they rake in the cash. Only now it seems are they starting to fully realize that the fans of the club are far more committed than they could ever imagine. And that doesn't just mean we'll sit back and enjoy ourselves regardless of the level of play we're watching, but will rather demand the very best from our players, staff, and management.

Poor MLSE. They thought this was gonna be some get-rich-quick scheme devoid of any real hassles.

You weren't the only one who has had that impression. LOL

[Beach_Red]

As for the incestuous way the organization is run, I'm scared to think about the future for this club.

The future of the club is clear - the same future as their other teams; bumbling losers.

Maybe loveable losers. If we can keep a sense of humour and have some fun with it, it'll be okay. Lots of teams in the world are loveable losers and their fans embrace it.

Hey, it builds character .

[ensco]

I am ready to kill someone.

I had today booked off to work on two things: first, the hokey marketing schemes for the Raptors and Leafs next year need to be developed (maybe something like "Character. Commitment. Cellar Bound."....neat thing is, we could use it for both teams, save on the printing costs) and second, the carpet scheme for the common areas in the new condos at the ACC. I'm thinking retro, maybe shag, get a "Leafs 70s night thing" going, we could licence the carpet if I get this right....

oh yeah where was I?

Of course I got nothing done. Screw me, we can't go 12 hours without another soccer eruption. Ali Gerba decided today that he had to unburden himself to the media. I had to spend my day with everyone at the Globe and the Star convincing them that this isn't worthy of a story. The thing I do not need is for Directors to start figuring out just how many guys we are paying not to work for us. If it's not in the print edition Globe or the Star, it didn't happen.

Why don't we have the usual nondisclosure agreement with this guy? How can we be paying this guy not to play and have this happen? As usual lately, I can't get a hold of Mo. Whatever Mo's doing with that blackberry of his, it's got nothing to do with getting players for this team anymore.

Tomorrow I need to sit down with Coach Corleone. He doesn't seem to care about any of this, but I can't have this anymore. People are going to start to think I can't run a soccer team.

Only problem is, Tanenbaum and I are spending the day looking at the plans for the restaurant in the mall annex they're doing at ACC. So I don't really know when I'm going to find the time to see the coach....

[Whoop]

This thread is becoming legendary. LOL

[Suds]

I'm just happy Tom take the time to post his musings here.

[Bombonera]

I think Tom should start drinking heavily...

[fetajr]

[MFG1]

THIS!

Time and time again I keep getting the impression that MLSE was investing in a sports side-project when it came to Toronto FC. Even four years into the swing of things I don't believe the club is getting a fraction of the attention I think it deserves from it's owners. I think they had figured they'd slapped together a team, have a stadium bought for them, and just let things carry on while they rake in the cash. Only now it seems are they starting to fully realize that the fans of the club are far more committed than they could ever imagine. And that doesn't just mean we'll sit back and enjoy ourselves regardless of the level of play we're watching, but will rather demand the very best from our players, staff, and management.

Poor MLSE. They thought this was gonna be some get-rich-quick scheme devoid of any real hassles.

QFT!

[Whoop]

Love the Feschuk column today in the Star.

http://www.thestar.com/sports/basket...-bill-of-goods

On Monday Colangelo called Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment, the pension-fund-owned controller of the local NHL, NBA and fifth-division pro soccer franchises, and this is an actual quotation, “one of the best organizations in all of sports.”

He went on: “I’m talking about hockey, basketball, soccer, real estate. Everything. Television. It is a company that will do everything in its power to answer the fans’ concerns, and that’s what we’re doing.”

To paraphrase Allen Iverson: You’re talkin’ ’bout real estate? How relieving to know that the local sporting monopolists are condo-selling geniuses. And how fitting. Some sporting GMs are described as visionary architects, and maybe Colangelo will become one someday. But on Monday, in a wide-ranging post-mortem on his team’s second straight losing season, Colangelo sounded less like a savvy builder of great rosters than a desperate seller of swampland. Four seasons into his sub-.500 tenure, it’s getting harder and harder to buy a word he says.

“The plan is to win basketball games at whatever cost,” Colangelo said at one point.

I am not making this up.

“At whatever cost,” are the words he used.

That, folks, isn’t a sales pitch: It’s just a lie. The defending NBA champion L.A. Lakers are spending some $25 million (all figures U.S.) more than the Raptors on salaries this season — you can argue their plan is to win basketball games at whatever cost.

Heck, the Cleveland Cavaliers are outspending the Raptors by millions upon millions in their quest to keep LeBron James in town, this while Colangelo and MLSE are only now talking about possibly spending to keep Bosh. This week brought news that the Cavs have been losing many millions in the process. And yes, you should always distrust claims of losses with a lockout looming. But you can’t deny that Cleveland’s majority owner, Dan Gilbert, believes victory can’t be achieved on a balance sheet. And you just can’t say the same thing about Toronto’s owner.

Toronto’s profiteers are paying Colangelo some $4 million a year to dance around the obviousness of this uneven playing field; to toss a mismatched mix into a locker room every October, to up-sell their merits to the ticket-buying public, and to appear positively shocked when the new guys don’t play well together. We all understand this.

And we understand, too, that Colangelo is angling for a contract extension. So certainly that explains his elegant sips of the corporate Kool-Aid. Still, credibility’s a precious thing, and Colangelo lost some Monday.

Ah, MLSE... what a wonderful thing.

[ensco]

^There's something about the tone in that story....Someone else pointed out to me this morning that Feschuk may well be a regular reader of these boards.

[ensco]

A bunch of us are getting together at Lobby tonight to watch the Spurs-Mavericks game. I wonder if Hedo will be there. Go Spurs!

Actually we don't really love the Spurs, it's more that we hate Mark Cuban. How did we not give that guy the Balsillie neck message when he applied to buy the Mavericks? Cuban actually said this the other day: "Some owners can't stand the pain of losing. Others can't stand the pain of losing money."

Gonna be a tough weekend. All kinds of bad optics out there. Phoenix may beat Detroit, they finished fourth overall and spent $15 million less on payroll than the Leafs did. Even worse, the MLS version of Cuban, Drew Carey, has his team in town, and Carey makes us look bad. Real bad.

Things just getting uglier in TFC land. Mo had the bad judgment to come out from his bunker and patronize the fans by telling them that the problem was with them. The guy is all balls and no judgment. I think his reason for speaking was really to send a message to Peddie and me: "Maybe Gansler quit, maybe Carver quit, but I'll never quit. You'll have to carry me out feet first." Great.

Looking forward to that drink or two tonight.

[Beach_Red]

Well, I'm looking forward to hearing how Anselmi feels about Joey Saputo joining the league. He may be an owner who can't stand the pain of losing. Especially to you know who...

[ensco]

Had a long chat with Tim Leiweke from AEG today. Leiweke gave me a long speech about how the only way they turned the Kings around, after years of failing, was by picking high in the draft for three or four years running. Thanks a lot Timmy.

Leiweke says he thinks Seattle are a great team. He and Anschutz are trying to figure out how to work the league rules so that Drew Carey et al can't keep building a dynasty out there. They'll probably want us to support some weird rule that nobody understands but is designed to wipe the smile off Carey's face. The Galaxy will be the dominant team on the west coast, or there will be no league, as far as Anschutz is concerned.

We might lose Sunday. Maybe badly. Plus it's going to rain, and there's a chance that the grass field gets torn up - it only went in a couple of weeks ago. Everyone tells me "it'll be fine", which I've learned around here translates as "duck the fireball".

So I decided to start going on the offensive on the TFC front because things may be Coyote-ugly by Monday. I've muzzled Mo. I gave an interview today where I repeated exactly what I said last fall, we need to make the playoffs blah blah blah, but added "I read the message boards".

Maybe that'll calm the savages down a bit. Gave em the old Bill Clinton "I'm one of you, I feel your pain" spiel. Gave the rest of the guys around here a laugh - I have an art collection, and I don't feel pain, I give pain.

I just need time before I can move on Mo. I'll do it when I've got the Board primed, and not a minute before. 5 games into the season is too early. Plus I've got to get to know Corleone better - I'll probably have to give him the keys, and something tells me he's nobody's interim baby.

[ensco]

It was a nice weekend. Shame about the weather. I decided not to drive down to the wine tasting Sunday in Niagara, since the forecast wasn’t good. Just puttered around the house Sunday. Very relaxing.

Was expecting to deal with more TFC problems today, but, blissfully, it’s Peddie who gets the hand grenade today, after that ugly weekend story about the MLSE charity stuff.

I will be able to spend the day reviewing an issue with the tile supplier for the new atrium, and also need to thumb through a briefing binder on possible “sign and trade” options for Bosh. Colangelo and I are meeting on this tomorrow. Just pages and pages on the most complex cap stuff you’ve ever seen. What Colangelo hasn’t put together yet, is the “media” campaign. Here Bryan, let me help you: Bosh is too soft, chokes in big games, wears down as the season goes on, not worth max money, hey, we're better off without him! Colangelo is too nice a guy. Burke understands this stuff better. We’ll need a multi-prong strategy, with our friendliest reporters, on this.

Just watched the TFC game highlights (somebody's got to explain the offside rule, where is the blueline in that sport?). The most important thing is that the grass held up pretty well. We’ll have to wait until after the Montreal game before we know for sure. I was ready to go full Freddy Krueger on somebody today, if we had had a problem there, but it looks like maybe, just maybe, we’re OK.

I have an email here telling me Mo was down in the room after the game, pumping his fist, and red in the face like he did it all himself. But one thing I’ve learned is that few teams rarely really overcome a bad start, and the way to play it is to assume that a bad start doesn’t actually reverse itself. The win takes a little bit of the pressure off us, for maybe a couple of weeks. We had our lowest gate ever on Sunday, and the trend in attendance (or more specifically, actual fannies in the seats) is the one thing I’m actually monitoring closely. Thank god we don’t report those numbers, with TFC joining the slump, they’re now terrible for all three of our teams. People that buy seats and don’t come are telling you that your product stinks, and they won’t buy next year.

I’ve got one thing I’ve got to deal with right away. Mo left me a message on my cell last night, he wants to see me to talk “strategy” about the two games we’re playing on short rest this week. Which means, based on past experience, that he wants to “tell” me which game matters more to us. Which, since I told him his butt is on the line if we don't make the playoffs, is the league game, for Mo.

I know I told everyone that it’s all about the MLS playoffs this year, but being me, I get to say one thing, but mean something else. You know what I actually care more than anything else? Revenues, baby, revenues! (I miss the Swirsk. He was always good for a laugh.)

Which means I care more about the CCL than league games. The reward for CCL victory is better, perhaps far better, than that for making the MLS playoffs. You get one extra gate guaranteed for either, but you are capped at two home games max in the MLS playoffs, while you can get quite a few more games if you ever get deep into CCL, plus you could maybe drive some decent TV ratings against good Mexican teams in later CCL rounds.

So I’ll dance a bit with Mo today, but what this really is, for me, this is Coach Corleone’s chance to show that he can do business with me. He and I will have a private chat tomorrow. These will be my instructions: no matter what Mo says, or what he would do otherwise, Corleone must play to win against Montreal, and let the chips fall where they may in Salt Lake.

The Mavs look like they’re going right out. The Bulls will get only two gates after all (I was a bit worried there for a second, a Bulls run would make us look bad). The Canucks got through, which puts off the “what’s wrong with Canadian teams, especially the Leafs” stories for at least a couple of weeks. Feeling great!

Now where are those tile samples....

[Oldtimer]

Just watched the TFC game highlights (somebody's got to explain the offside rule, where is the blueline in that sport?).

[Beach_Red]

I was hoping Tom would have read the Paul James article about how Vancouver has a bigger/better front office:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sport...rticle1545656/

Another area where Tom can pat himself on the back for saving the company some big bucks. Maybe he'll get a bonus.

Oh well, maybe the guy who brings the tile samples will mention it when he tries to sell Tom even more expensive tiles.

[greatwhitenorf]

Actuality update: Anselmi spotted putting his body on the line walking through the beer garden area under the new stand in the north end, early in the game on Sunday. Just to prove to fans the shaky, rattly aluminum stands really are safe.

Looked nervous, moved quickly, avoided prolonged eye contact in case anyone recognized him and collared him for a griping session. But no bodyguards or visible side arms with him.

What courage.

[ensco]

“Barkeep. Just another wee dram of whisky. “

Down she goes.

I have to think. Think, dammit man. There has to be a way out.

How much is Kristian Jack paying these guys to talk? They must be getting real money, in return for throwing their careers away. It can’t just be a mad desire to hurt me….can it?

Why didn’t I go down on the field when we moved Carver out? That was the plan. But I thought I could control the room from afar, without putting my neck on the line as coach. I left a cliquey team in the hands of a raw rookie coach. How could I not see how that would end?

Shite.

Why wouldn’t that goddamn fool Cummins play Dichio? Why was Cummins so in love with Barrett? That was when the trouble really started. Everyone in the room was grumbling about that. I couldn’t be the first manager in world history to bag two coaches in the same season. Jimmy couldn’t control the room, he were too close to me. So I brought Nicky in, to give the lads some direction. Made it clear to Cummins that Nicky goes in, and stays in.

Ooooh that is fine stuff. Down she goes.

Players started going to Anselmi: “Garcia is reporting back to Mo” “Garcia starts, but he’s our worst player”. Cummins was so stupid, he couldn’t see that it wasn’t a Canada vs US rift, it was an “Everyone hates Garcia. Maybe Barrett too” rift. And eff me if Garcia didn’t proceed to personally lose 5 games in a row for us.

Nicky, my son, ya failed me.

I could give a shit about Gerba talking. But Cummins, that’s different, that’s personal. Plus he’s too close to Carver. I can’t have that. The suits upstairs will try to stop me from suing both their asses, but they’ll have to fire me to stop me. I’ve seen worse, and come out on top. Cummins (and Carver, if he squawks tomorrow) have peed on the wrong rug.

(Sees man staring at him.) “Who are you looking at eh? Would you like me to put this bar stool leg through your eye? Bugger off. “

You people. I got you DeRo. I got you grass. You wanted de Guzman, I gave you de Guzman. You are all effing ingrates. You can all rot in hell.

Anselmi said some foolish things today, he must be nervous. He’s in the shit with me. They’d have to go rid of us both. The suits upstairs can’t even spell soccer ball, they’ll never do it. I just need to weather the storm. But first I have to deal with those two effing pommy ponces, who think they can run me down and get away with it.

[Lucky Strike]

These are great, they're like "Schumi's Sekret Tagebuch".